TTC

TTC: That means, trying to conceive. Except that I'm now faced with a choice whether I should stop activly trying to do this. DH has lost his job, and we don't know what we're doing at all. No job is in the pipeline, and if we buy any land, it's going to take two incomes for the next umpteen years to pay if off. No bad feelins towards those who have children and work, but I always wanted to be a SAHM.

I said to DH that if we stoped trying I wanted to go on the pill. My reasoning for this is, then at least I know I'm not going to have the agonising 2WW (two week wait) each time for my period to decide to turn up or not. The other alternatives are what DH terms plastic bags or abstainance. Plastic bag option: Hm, not that appealing - honestly I can totally understand why teenagers would not choose this as birth control. Spoils any sort of mood - at least in our house. And as far as abstainance goes - that's not what I want!

I don't know what to do. My head tells me that we should put baby plans on hold. My head is somewhat ok with this given the circumstances. My heart yells out that it wants a baby and it wants it now. It yells that it isn't like you're getting pregnant anyway, so what's the harm to just keep on trying. It yells that if I go on the pill again, any subsequent pregnancy could miscarry (that's what people ((ones who are horrible and insensitive)) said one of the reasons could by why I lost my first two angels).

So, there you have it, head and heart fighting it out, and stuck in the middle is me.

These photos are from a couple of weeks ago when we went down to Lake Ferry with my parents. Had an absolute blast. Caught one fish - thought I'd stop while ahead and spent the rest of the day camped on the picnic blanket with a book.

Red Party Days

It is a wonder to me
That I can never see
The fact that the red party days
Never every stays

AWAY

They come with ease
They come with stealth
They make my mental health
Want to wheeze!

WORN OUT

From the charts
The broken hearts
From the mucus -
It's all making me want to puke(us)

NEVER MIND

Must be strong
Must carry on
Find a glass of water and down
2 panadol before going out on the town

LIKE THAT WILL SOLVE ANYTHING

but at least - I can pretend everything is alright then
smile, and smile again when
DH doesn't undertand
the little squeeze I give his hand

MEANS I'M TIRED AND SAD